Wednesday, September 2, 2009

It's been such a long time

I can't find that magic anymore. Not right now. I had a flash of it in the spring - the sense of the world being alive with faery, just outside my sight and hearing, a beauty and magic I was desperate to find. And I was so happy, because even though it filled me with a longing that was deeply painful, it was far better than living unaware, as though I was a grownup.

But I lost it again, and I want it back. I think I can find it - but I have to look for it, I have to nurture it, I can't keep ignoring this part of me. I have a string of make-your-own fairy lanterns that I bought when I was in Disneyworld and still haven't made. I think it's time. Time to tidy my room to make it a fit habitation for story magic and fairytale delight. And then let my dreams wake up. Time to wander through beautiful places.

But I'm afraid. Afraid to wake that desire again, when I can't find its answer...

It's a repeat of last year. Twice, I've missed the deadline for applying for that scholarship to the college in the woods. But now... I don't have that strong desire to take classes. I took my theatre classes, at the Little College in the City. They were wonderful, and I learned so much and had so much fun, but they weren't magic, or not very often. And I worked there - I built the theatre sets, all school year and all summer. And that was lovely, and often pleasant and fun, and taught me some extremely useful construction skills, and made me unusual, as a tiny girl with power tools... but it wasn't magic. And now I don't feel the need for more classes. I learned what I wanted to learn, at least for now.

Now that I write, I want it again. It's already starting to come to life, just from writing about it. But I feel so despairing of ever finding it...

Where are you, beautiful place where I belong? Are you somewhere here? Or must I go to Scotland to find you?

Or perhaps, sail the seven seas? That has become a possibility... more on that later.