i can finally see that you're right there beside me

On Friday night I had a bad dream that triggered some bad memories that resulted in me spending most of the time between waking up and Eucharist on Saturday in a painful emotional state – frankly, I was completely in pieces.

The Eucharist was a blessing. Literally, in fact – at the end of the service, the priest says a blessing over everyone. [Oh yeah, I didn’t mention it before – there’s a different priest at Eucharist each morning. I think the ones from the area must take turns.] When he looked toward us I could feel myself looking at him, pleading for a blessing, for solace, for something. And rather than just glancing over us like usual, he met my eyes and held them for a few moments as he spoke.

After Eucharist I took my Bible and Julian of Norwich and went out to the garden. I found a place in the grace underneath a tree where little purple flowers were growing. And I read some psalms aloud, and read some Julian, and fell asleep having thrown myself down in the grass among the flowers.

I woke feeling more whole than I’ve felt in a while.

Soon the bell for None rang, and I went to the chapel. Then it was lunch, and practicing ballet, and more reading, and then at 4:15 Sister Susan was to talk to me (she had arranged it by note the morning before) and just as I was going to go in to meet her she found me in the garden, and we talked until it was time for her to go in and help get ready for supper.

Then Vespers, supper, and Ali’s. At Vespers we all got holy water shook on us. More thoroughly than at the monastery. Afterward Ali said to me,

“Oh yeah, I forgot to warn you about the Saturday night bath.” But I liked it.

On Sunday morning I got up in time to go to Matins at 6:15. It was nice to be up so early, although it was cold. In between Matins and Eucharist I read Ivanhoe. Not exactly the most holy of occupations for an early Sunday morning, but I certainly enjoyed it.

Sunday Eucharist was just lovely. The priest was both very serious and very authentic. Also he had the best vestments of any of them. White underneath, with an overcloak thing that was stripes of various pastel cream colors, just slightly shimmery, that reminded me of clouds. He gave a brief sermon, about how only Christ both crucified and resurrected, both humble and victorious, can melt the hearts of those opposed to Him.

When he did the Eucharistic prayer, I could tell that he believed in transubstantiation. But in the best way possible – the way that makes a person’s love for Christ shine radiantly as they regard the bread and wine, that puts solemnity and delight into every word and gesture of the liturgy. And when he gave me the bread, forming a cross over me as he spoke the words, “the body of Christ, the Bread of Heaven,” he was really meaning a blessing, not just performing a ritual.

I came out feeling bright and the sun was shining on the garden flowers. Ali asked if I would mind coming into the kitchen and taking pictures of her doing her kitchen work, so I went back and got my camera, and then I did. I also got some pictures of the garden.

Lunch was good – we had ice cream for pudding, and for some reason it amused me to see all the sisters eating ice cream…

I spent most of the afternoon laying outside in the grass in the sunshine underneath a blossoming plum tree reading Ivanhoe. I’m not sure there are many better ways to spend an afternoon.

At 4:15 it was time for tea! Not tea like supper, but tea like really English tea, with bread and jam and cake! The nuns have talking tea on Sundays, and we had it in the garden.

It was so fun to talk to the nuns, and so funny. They told stories of their early days as nuns – one told how one of her first times ringing the bell, she was supposed to ring nine times, but when she was counting, she was just counting and concentrating on ringing it correctly, and then suddenly she realized she was counting “twenty-two… twenty-three…” – and stopped suddenly, and wished she could run away and hide. But of course she had to go into chapel instead. She says she wishes she could have been in that chapel, with them all sitting there while she was ringing, to see the looks on their faces when she just went on and on!

We sat in the garden talking all the way until time for Vespers. Then it was Vespers and supper, and you’re allowed to eat anywhere you want for Sunday supper, so since no nuns invited us to eat with them and we didn’t feel like sitting silent in the refectory (that’s what the eating place is called), Ali and I took our cheese and crackers (which is what supper was) to Fellowship House. Where we supplemented it with leftover noodles.

Monday was leaving day. I spent the morning packing and cleaning, and left at about eleven-thirty.

I stopped at Primark and found a plain white t-shirt for Disney (unless I find one with something on it that I like, in which case I’ll wear that one instead), and wandered around the mall a bit until I was sick of carrying my stuff, and then found the bus to the railway station.

It was still forty-five minutes until my train was coming, so I sat at a table and ate my bread and butter that I’d packed and people-watched.

I’d forgotten to fill up my water bottle, and it was gone, and I was thirsty. I hadn’t seen a drinking fountain. Filling it up in the bathroom would mean carting all my stuff over there. So, I put on lip gloss and scoped out the territory.

Aha. Boy my age, nice but kind-of-insecure type, working at one of the food court-y restaurants. No customers, no other employees. I sling my camera case with change in it over my shoulder just in case, and walk up to the counter.

“Hi – is there any chance I could get just a cup of tap water?”

“Well, we’re not really supposed to.”

“Ah, that’s okay. I thought that would probably be so, but I figured I’d ask in case.” Slight movement away while talking.

“I mean, it’s not really for drinking anyway, although I suppose it’s the same tap that’s everywhere else, so…”

“Yeah,” I nod.

“Well, I could give it to you if you buy a cookie.”

“Hmm, how much are the cookies?” I survey them. “99p…” I don’t have to draw out my indecisive pause for more than two seconds before he says,

“Well, all right.” And asks me which size cup I want, and fills it with water, and gives it to me.

“Thank you so much.”

Ha. I’m so good.

Then on the train to Paddington Station. A pretty Indian girl named Sharon sat next to me, and we chatted a little bit. It was nice to have a sort of friend, who talked just the right amount. And then we both fell asleep.

This station always makes me think of monopoly.

At Paddington I was wandering around, thinking “oh brother, I’ve got an hour with nothing to do, in which I have to carry all this luggage around if I’m going to find entertainment.” But I carried it around, and looked for a bear though I didn’t find one. But I did find a super cool restaurant. The dishes come on a conveyer belt and you pull something you want off as it comes by.

Then I suddenly realized that my next train leaves from Kings Cross, not Paddington, and I’m supposed to be taking the tube. Fortunately, there was still plenty of time. So I went and got on the tube.

There was a cute boy across from me. He looked like he might have had mild Asperger’s. I wanted to smile at him but he didn’t look at me.

At King’s Cross I had time to go look at the barrier between platforms 9 and 10. I am not sure that is the right station, though. I can’t remember. It didn’t look like anything special, but I suppose that’s the point.

I had an adventure getting on my train. You see, I was supposed to take the fast train, that doesn’t stop anywhere between London and Peterborough. But I couldn’t find it on the boards. And I couldn’t find any train to Peterborough that left at 15:30 which was what my ticket said, only one to Edinburg. And although I wanted to go to Edinburg, that would have to wait until tomorrow. So I got on the one of the two Peterborough trains that made the least stops, the 15:22. And I was sitting there, and kept wandering to the door, wanting to ask someone, but no official people were anywhere. So finally I asked the man in the seat across from me if he knew which train it was supposed to be.

“Oh, that’ll be the one to Edinburg, probably,” interjected the man across the aisle.

“Oh!” I said. “Does that stop in Peterborough?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! I’m sure that’s it, then.” I grabbed my things back down off the rack and assembled myself. Just as I had everything, and was walking to the door, the door-closing warning buzzer sounded.

“Good luck!” called the man, and I leapt – literally - through the doors just before they closed.

I made it to Platform 1 where the Edinburg train was in enough time. There were imposing men in suits standing in a row to punch tickets on the platform. The train was much more posh than the slow train that stops at the little towns.

It was delayed, though, because one of the doors was stuck. But eventually we left. It was a slightly dull ride because I didn’t have anything to read, having finished Ivanhoe, and my mp3 player has decided it doesn’t have music on it anymore (gah!), and I was riding backward which makes looking out the window less pleasant. So I read Exodus. But I stopped when they were going to say everything over again for four chapters about how the Israelites did exactly what God told them to do in the previous four chapters…

Finally we got to Peterborough, and Jack was there to pick me up. We came home -

on the way we saw a lovely new colt (or foal; I don't know which) -

and Eleanor was here for a bit, and then she left to go back to London, and we had scrambled eggs on toast for tea. And I’ve been blogging all evening, and now it’s midnight and I’m finally done!

Tomorrow I am going to Scotland. I am thinking that I probably won’t take my laptop, because it’s heavy. So that means that you’ll have to wait a bit for more blogs, but hopefully this post-fest has given you enough to tide you over.

[Also, there are supposed to be more pictures in the post, and for some reason a bunch of them won't download off my camera. I think my hard drive might be full... bother.]